Do you know what, I have just realised that I have been living my life taking so much crap. Undermining my self worth; Basically walking around pleasing people like I have all the time in the world!
So isn’t that supposed to be selflessness? Servant heart? Or one of those fancy words we use to keep a generous person sweet. At what point do we actually stop and admit that thinking of ourselves sometimes instead of others wouldn’t actually do any harm.
Ah! That reminds me. When I first arrived in England 15 years ago, a cousin of mine from Nigeria had the cheek to ask for money, within a month of my arrival and quoted to me in his email “To whom much is given, much is expected ” I was shocked at his email!..like…what a f*cking twat! Disregarding my opinion of him, I gave him the money to avoid being called selfish. Apparently living in England makes me a little money pot. There are some distance relatives who think I should send them money regularly because I probably ate lunch at their house at some point in my life. They are angered and therefore stopped speaking to me. So I say to them now in all honesty, I do not owe you Sh*t! So p*ss off!
Bloody hell! Can you already tell that I am either on my period or perhaps stopped reading my bible again? My point is that I have to live and I will always try my best to be a good Christian and show kindness to others but please I can’t promise that all the time, so don’t hold your breath.
Funny enough, just as I was writing this post, I stopped halfway to tidy up my bedroom and there in a page of a book I read last week, a highlighted title “Being Led by the Holy Spirit” Ha! Ok Heavenly Father, please give me a little time to get all these stuff off my chest.
So let me tell you what got my knickers in a twist…
Just last week, I walked up to a gorgeous human in a very sad situation and said to her, ” hey! everything will be alright, stay strong ” whilst I left her completely flabbergasted and made myself look like a proper weirdo, I managed to leave a huge smile on her face and I bet she pondered on my words because she kept looking at me afterwards . However what I actually wanted to say to her was “hey I read your notes and your bullies should all die and rot in hell for putting you through this” I couldn’t say that but those were my thoughts, genuine unadulterated thoughts , coming from a place of anger and compassion all at the same time.
Nonetheless, I was glad that my words lightened up her face which was previously buried in an iPhone for few hours. I am not in a position to share the whole story with you due to confidentiality.
I wondered, why are people so mean to push others to that level of hopelessness. Why do we have to appear perfect to others? Why do we care so much? Why won’t people just chill and live?! When will it be legal to punch idiots in the face?
I have seen people suffer in the hands of “drainers” so much that they lose their sense of self which of course leads to feeling stuck and self loathing.
Please note that I completely understand that at times, events in our lives may leave us feeling a bit low in self-confidence. In my experience with occasional self-loathe, the root cause analysis is based on my years of battling with anxiety which often leads me to people pleasing .
watch the video here
Finally, I arrived at this point of commitment to myself, not for my children, not for my mother, not for my brothers or my friends and not for my church but for me and me alone. The basic attitude that propels my sense of self-worth at any given situation.
- To love and express gratitude.
- To look after my spirit and soul by making God the center of my being.
- To take care my body with good food, adequate sleeping pattern and regular exercises.
- To not indulge in an unbalanced, toxic or unhealthy relationship with anybody.
- To be open to change and new ideas.
To accept no bullsh*t from anyone twice! I say twice because I believe in a second chance.
Do I sound selfish? well, that’s the intention.
A little selfishness will keep you replenished with more energy to serve others better. To clarify using the airplane oxygen mask theory; in an emergency, put your oxygen mask on first before helping others around you.
People will learn how to love you from you.